The Truth

Introductions for me are always awkward. I don’t know what interests I might share with the person I’m talking to - I don’t know what issues I might disagree with them on. Most of the time, I don’t even remember their name. So a series of questions that have been determined by the gods of our culture to be just vague and bland enough to be socially acceptable and inoffensive by all are bounced back and forth between me and … whomever I’m talking to.

My most hated of these predetermined vanilla queries is “What do you do?”

What do I “do?” Well, I play fantasy football. I go to the movies. I take public transportation. I dress myself. I watch TV shows on the internet the day after they appear on television. I read lists of quotes from my favorite people. I sit around. I try to find free hors devours at art galleries for dinner. What do I “do?”

Fuck you. You just want me to ask you what you “do” so that you can tell me the amazing way you’ve managed to make this world a better place and make money.

I know my real problem with the question is that I have no good answer. I used to be a student. I could say that’s what I “do.” That was a noble “doing.”

I’m no longer a student. I’m very glad I am no longer a student because I no longer want to go to school, but, man, it was easier to say I was a student than saying; “uhh. Y’know. Nothing really. I worked. Previously. That job is done. I’m traveling.” Then they give the condescending; “ohhh”. They might as well say; “Oh, you’re lazy. You were born into decent wealth and are using it as an excuse to not have to be a productive member of society.” So I started saying that I was an actor/comedian.

That was a dumb decision. Every time I say something funny (which is all the time), I now get told; “You should use that as a ‘bit.’” Or worse, they decide that’s the time when they should give me something funny they once said so that I can use it in my next "bit." I’m so glad I have such a helpful, supportive world surrounding me that they can tell me how to do what I “do” better.

Next time I ask somebody what they “do” and they say something shitty and mundane like social work, I’m going to say; “Hey, you should try helping the kids with their drug problems by telling the kids that drugs give them hemorrhoids, and hay fever. Then they wouldn’t do drugs. Nobody likes hay fever. It’s so icky.” Then they’d laugh and say I should use that in my next “bit.”

That’s why I started lying.

What do I “do?” Well, I plan recreational parks in impoverished neighborhoods. I’m an extreme athlete - mostly I do the sky stuff. I write for New Republic. I’m a photo journalist for the brail institute of Mississippi. Right now I’m just trying to stay on the wagon (or is it off the wagon). I bootleg DVDs. I impregnate young women. I’m a financial analyst for a non-profit. Heroin. I do Heroin. I work in accounting. I play lead guitar for a Canadian rock band called the IronDukes. I’m running the Ron Paul ’08 campaign in Eastern Oregon’s urban areas. I’m a poet. I took over my parents’ collectible items business. I scent candles. What do I “do?”

Fuck you. You don’t deserve to know. Now we’re talking about me, and me is anything I want me to be.

Peace out,

Humphrey Irving Walshowitz