Dane Cook's Looking Old

I went to get pasta from the grocery store yesterday. I didn’t get to the grocery store. I got distracted by the movie theater. Before I got to the movie theater, though I ran into a homelessman and he said; “Can you spare a million dollars?” I run into him every time I go down that street now. And every time he says the same thing. And every time I chuckle. Anyway, I got to the movie theater and saw that “Burn After Reading” was playing.

I went and saw it and was supremely impressed. Not by the movie theatre’s ability to show the movie though. They started it 15 minutes early on a stretched screen, changed it to a weirdly tall screen, stopped the movie completely, made us listen to the opening commercials without being able to see them, started the movie again, realized it was partially playing on the ceiling, stopped the movie again, then finally started it 20 minutes late. While this was a horrendous way to start a movie, I had nowhere better to go. Plus, the movie was incredible - I recommend it to everybody. And, the theater gave us a free ticket to be used within the year.

Well I’m only going to be here for two more nights, so what should I do? I could give it to that homeless guy who asks for a million dollars. Or I could go see another movie the next day. I chose option b because I’m selfish and “My Best Friend’s Girl” was playing. How could I pass up watching Dane Cook for an hour and a half? He’s soooo funny. I’m kidding of course. But I’m also selfish, so I did go watch Dane Cook misogynize on the big screen.

After making these plans – not with anybody, just in my head – this nice girl started talking to me while I was on my computer. We found we were on similar paths and were going to be in the same city again a couple of times. Since there is a small, outside chance that she reads this, I will refrain from talking about her and inevitably coming up with something judgmental or misogynist to say. Instead I will talk about myself. Because, once again, I’m selfish.

I think we all see by now that this story is leading to me being late for the show, and I will call it a show. No, fuck it. I’m calling it a piece of cinema. … I think we all see by now that this story is leading to me being late for the piece of cinema, but what I want to talk about is what I realized in my conversation with the young British lass. What I realized is that there is something horribly awkward about, well, talking to me, but also, first conversations. Especially when you have absolutely no common thread – aka friend or organization. I don’t think I’ve really done it since freshman year of college. What we all do, or at least I do, because I’m selfish, is try to cram as much information about ourselves into the conversation as quickly as possible. Any possible transition point is good enough for us to launch into stories explaining our childhood fear of tall people, or long tirades about the necessity for health care reform in the United States, or deep analysis of the differences between the existential philosophies of Camus and Nietzsche. It comes from fear, but it also comes from confidence.

We all believe ourselves to be the most interesting person in the world, so we love to talk about ourselves - especially when you’ve been unable to communicate regularly with friends for over a week. We also are scared of what other people may be. We want to like people. We don’t want to have to hate people. Yet it’s only once we allow others to express themselves that we truly find if we hate or like them. That’s how we create friendships, or relationships, or catamarans. (Good pun, thanks Nisse)

This is essentially the plot of the movie I just saw. Dane Cook loves himself a lot. Dane Cook realizes that he should try listening to someone else. Dane Cook finds himself with a great relationship and friendship only after he has truly listened.

I don’t think what I have realized is profound. I think it is something we all realize at a very young age. Listening is respectful. I’m not saying that all of us follow this simple proverb, but I think we all know it and try to live our life by it. Dane Cook, or Tank, as his character is named, has to go through this realization in the piece of cinema. Good job, Tank!

The whole piece of cinema I kept thinking, Dane Cook’s looking old. So I imdb-ed it. He’s 36. A 36 year old should not need to realize that being selfish is bad.

I found another thing on imdb. Dane Cook made $9 million in 2007. I think he can spare a million dollars. And the homelessman made me laugh more tonight.